why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
