imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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