atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
