Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
