sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
