I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
