If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
