I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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