I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
