that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
