I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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