Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
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