I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
