I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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