why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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