My Higher Power is John Stamos
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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