DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
