I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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