just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
