he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
