Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
