Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
