HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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