i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Just invented taco cereal.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
