I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
