New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I did not marry a roomba.
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