I CAN MOONWALK!
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
