i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
You smell like stripper and shame
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
