I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
