Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
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I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
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Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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