Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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