yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
it hurts more in the daytime
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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