That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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