Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
