she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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