I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
