I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
