I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(