The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?