I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
