we made out on top of his cat.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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