suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
