I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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