1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I AM VODKA MAN
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
