So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
