She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
