I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
