I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
