I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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