Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Randomize
