We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
