Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
