Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
