im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i used baking grease as lip gloss
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
