It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
