I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
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