And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
